Childhood trauma, turning 40, and non-monogramy
Happy Friday. I have been thinking of what I would most want to get in my inbox and the honest answer is I just like it when people are sharing about their real life. I don’t want another guide, or tips list, or sales page. Those are all fine. But what keeps me reading is when someone lets me peek behind the curtain. Are you like that too?
So today I want to tell you what’s been swirling around my mind this last week (and few weeks) in case it inspired you, entertains you, or makes you feel less alone because it’s been swirling around yours as well…
A few weeks ago my father lost his home (my childhood home) and car in hurricane Helene. It was unexpected as the area that home was in has never flooded in over 40 years and because of that it and threw both our lives into some chaos. His, because he lost his home, car, all his furniture and most his belongings overnight and me because I am the only child and family member and even though I live two hours away I was the closest person to help. And he needed a LOT of help.
It has me thinking a lot about my healing journey. Because there were decades that went by where being in physical proximity to my father caused a physiological reaction. There were years where I couldn’t stay in my body when spending time near him, my mind would default to disassociation. And the idea of becoming a part time caretaker to him, moving him 10 minutes away from me, and seeing him weekly would have sent me in a tailspin of doom-dreaming (it’s like day-dreaming, but where your mind imagines every possible horrible eventuality that could possibly happen and plays them for you on a loop all day and night). And yet, here we are doing exactly those things (minus the doom-dreaming!)
This is the most I’ve ever written about any of this because I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t share this particular story until it had ended. And I still think that will be the case. But… this experience has me feeling very curious. I’ve been approaching things with a much different perspective than I ever was able to in the past, and I know that just speaks to the work I’ve done on this healing and reclamation journey, the nervous system work I’ve done in mimetics, and just to my own maturity and growth.
The other day we spent four hours in the car together driving around town getting him new furniture and household items and at one point, you guys, I fully belly laughed. It was so absurd that it caught me by surprise. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt safe enough and in my body enough around him to find something truly funny. Not the kind of laugh we do as women to appease and smooth over awkward social moments with men which is the kind of laugh I’m used to doing in his prescence, but a honest-to-goodness reflexive reaction laugh. (It was because he couldn’t close my car door and he just kept trying and it ended up feeling a bit like an SNL skit or Family Guy cutaway scene.)
Anyway… it’s gonna make for a really hard to write but most likely incredibly healing memoir one day I think if I can get the courage to share it. I wish I could tell you more of the crazy stories but I’m not ready yet.
In the meantime, my phone’s notes app and my journals overfloweth. HAHAHA.
I turn 40 in a few days. And I never expected that to be a tough birthday for me and yet… this whole year it has felt like it’s hanging over me like a shadow.
It’s been a weird year. Starting with suffering from burnout, realizing it was autistic burnout, which then also meant realizing I am autistic, trying to start a new therapy business, learning how to unmask, pausing work for the summer to mom, losing all my momentum, finishing my RRT hours but not having enough money to pay for the completion testing, the hurricanes, my dad, losing an income stream when Bodi announced they are shutting down, a giant body acceptance journey this year gaining weight and losing weight and realizing I like myself, wanting to shave my head and settling for a french bob, a medical diagnosis for one of my kids that I never saw coming, becoming her advocate, doing some photography again… And I’m in the midst of such a giant career transition. Career death? Do I even believe in entrepreneurship anymore? I don’t even know what to call this weird time.
I want to unsubscribe from capitalism, but also, I want Universal passes for my kids.
I told ya’ll, my mind has been spinny.
I’ve been having some of the most incredible conversations with people. I’ve been showing up unmasked, with my heart fully open in interactions with other humans. It’s been so new and feels like stretching wings I never even knew I had. I’ve been meditating almost every day.
I’ve been journaling, recording podcast episodes for What Now Radio on various “okay so what now” moments of life like what now after leaving a corporate cult, what now after realizing you never understood consent, what now when regular therapy isn’t working, what’s happening now with the Prone To Wonder ladies... I hope to launch the new season in the new year. (If you have any topic ideas let me know!)
I have been sitting and feeling into what now for myself as well?
Is my RRT business sustainable? Is digital marketing a path I even want to take next? Should I just send my resume out and see what happens? How do I even start getting the books in my head published? Marketed? I’m so tired of trying to sell myself. Does anyone care at all what I have to say? Does anyone even like me? Am I too old for this? No that’s exactly why you’re perfect for this. I hate making reels I don’t want to make any ever again. But I don’t want to work for anyone else because I just don’t care about helping someone make money, I care about helping people heal… I’m spinning endlessly.
I’m about to buy and start reading the novel, “All Fours” by Miranda July. I hear it’s been creating quite the buzz among women my age and Miranda has caught my curiosity. Of course, non-monogamy is not new to me but public conversations (and novels!) about it are and I’m excited to read her work and excited that she’s opened up the door to these conversations among women about their desire.
I went down an internet rabbit hole of her creative life the other day and was fascinated and so inspired! I can’t find or fully remember the quote I read in one of the interviews I found with her but it made me write this down in my notepad and I’ve been thinking about it ever since…
Thinking about approaching my 40th birthday not as the halfway mark of my life or the beginning of some downhill trudge but rather as the beginning of a completely 2nd life has me buzzing with creativity and excitement. Because I do kind of feel new again. I’ve never been this healed. I’ve never been this in my body. I’ve never been this content. I’ve never been this secure in myself. I don’t even really know how to be this version of Becka yet. And that’s part of why I’ve been feeling stuck.
What if I don’t have to figure out how to make her fit into my history. What if it’s more like a fresh start.
Maybe this isn’t a new chapter.
Maybe the page didn’t turn, but the book closed.
Maybe this is an entirely new edition.
xo, B
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