On green nails and finding out I'm a liar.
Have you heard the saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear?” I’ve found it to be true in my own life time and time again. When I follow the little *pings* that seem to come out of nowhere and full of coincidence, I always find the teacher I was hoping for or the answer for what has been plaguing me.
This time, it came in the form of an author.
Her name is Martha Beck.
I don’t even remember where she popped up. I can’t pinpoint it. Was it in a podcast interview? Was it a goodreads recommendation? Of wait! I do remember! She was referenced by someone I know (kinda… in that I’ve followed them for years online and we have some mutual peers) in a recent podcast. They were sharing their experience of being cancelled on social media and how they took time away and how pivotal Martha Beck’s work was for them in growing through that.
So I looked her up and instantly felt a kinship to her. Ex-mormon, life coach, spiritual, gay, poly… could this woman get cooler?!
I started devouring her. Youtube interviews. Podcast episodes. Ted talk. Books. Podcast guest interviews…
I’m telling you all of this to tell you about how I painted my nails a juicy lime green today after realizing what a liar I’ve been without even realizing I was doing it!
One of the stories Martha tells often in interviews and in her books is about how she challenged herself to a year of telling the truth. A year with zero lies. And how it completely changed her life.
I thought to myself, how hard would that be? I don’t think I lie that much. So I decided to challenge myself to one day without a lie.
That was almost a month ago. And I’ve only gotten through maybe 1 or 2.
🤯🤯🤯
The thing about this challenge that got me was that Martha explained how she didn’t just mean big, spoken untruths. She meant even silent and small inner ones. Anything that went against the truth of her soul, her capital “S” Self. Anything that divided her from what she knew in her bones was true. And not only in big cases, in the million tiny ones she confronted throughout her day.
I made it to about 9am the first day. My husband asked me if I wanted to come sit on the living room sofa with him as I was walking toward my bedroom after dropping my daughter off at school. I was mentally ready to go sit in my swing and read for a few minutes before starting my day. I looked toward the swing that helps me regulate with longing in my eyes and instead turned toward him (honestly a little bit disappointed inside) and said with a smile, “Yeah of course babe!” and went and hung out with him while he watched a show I wasn’t interested in.
Now you may be thinking, “But that’s just life. That’s just being a good friend and wife. Quality time is important” And sure, that may be true. AND ALSO…
It wasn’t what I knew my body wanted from me for me to regulate myself after a hectic morning.
As I started paying attention, I started to notice dozens of times throughout the day when I’d do these tiny micro lies. I’d do them with my kids. I’d do them with my husband. With friends. With strangers out and about while running errands.
WAS I EVER ACTUALLY HONEST WITH ANYONE?!
The thought struck me as shockingly as if you’d walked up behind me and smacked me across the back of the head.
I was such a liar. In hundreds of tiny ways, I was sacrificing how I truly felt to appease other humans and keep them comfortable, happy with me, and to not rock the boat in social situations.
It was such an eye opening thing that I started to challenge myself to shift this. What would happen if I was honest? You guys… it was SO FUCKING SCARY.
A few days later a friend asked me to meet her at the hair salon before co-working. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to just get to work and get in the zone. I didn’t want to have to wait in a cold chair and make small talk with a stylist. I started to acquiesce, then I challenged myself to be truthful. So I told her I’d be fine waiting for her and I’d just work by myself for a bit till she was done. I braced myself for her being frustrated with me. But she wasn’t upset at all?! Hm… Okay maybe I could do this!
Next, my husband asked me if I wanted to watch football with him. I felt the lie rising up in me, and along with it, the tiny bubble of resentment that I might not have any time to myself that evening to do what I wanted to do. I bolstered myself and was honest, “No I’m gonna go watch that scary show with Cadence, I’ve been looking forward to it.” I spent the first 20 minutes so nervous that my husband would be upset at me. I walked out to get myself a cup of tea and he smiled at me from the living room and gave me an “I love you” sign. Oh weird… he wasn’t disappointed at me or feeling abandoned by me. Interesting!
I had so much fun that night hanging with my son. And when my husband came to bed later there was zero tension. Maybe this honesty thing was gonna be okay?!
I end up having to reset the challenge almost every day. It’s hard for me to get through a day without sacrificing my truth for the sake of people pleasing or attempting to keep the peace socially. But you know what?! I’ve been getting so emboldened! And even better than that, I’ve been building trust with my capital S Self.
Capital S Self is like your soul. Who you are at your core. It’s how Richard C. Schwartz defines who we are when all our learned behaviors and protective parts step away. Dr. Jon Connelly would say this is who we are when we are in nature beholding something that feels all at once both exciting and peaceful. That in that moment we connect with who we are at our core which is also both excitement and peace. Spiritual people might call it “soul”.
This morning I got the urge to paint my nails. As I laid out the colors and tried to decide which one I wanted, I pulled a bright lime green gel polish out of my basket. I’ve never used it. I don’t usually like bright colors on my hands. But it called to me for some reason and I thought, “Ooooo!” I set it down and kept looking. The thoughts that ran through my head were, “My two best friends who are so stylish both have beautiful garnet colors on their nails right now. Maybe I should pick something more autumnal so I don’t seem weird?” I found a pretty brownish red and a cool muted gray. By the time I finished the first coat of that brownish red I could feel my core recoiling. Nope nope nope. That’s not it.
I know this sounds so small it is insignificant, but think of it like lifting a 5lb weight after an injury. You gotta start by working the muscle in small ways. This was me working this atrophied self truth muscle in a tiny, beginner way just to learn how it feels.
I wiped it off and picked up the gray in my left hand and the green in my right hand. And it was like my thoughts spaced out from each other giving me more room than normal and I thought, just for a split second… fuck it. Let’s do green.
And you guys, I can’t make up the joy that bubbled up from deep in my stomach as I swiped the first green swipe. I have never liked this color before. As I pulled my finished manicure out from the led light my smile was uncontainable. They were PERFECT!
The contrast between that feeling in my stomach seeing the green vs the feeling in my stomach I felt looking at the seasonally appropriate brownish red was unavoidable. Is this what honesty with my Self feels like?! If so, it feels fantastic!
I’ve never thought of myself as an inherently dishonest person. But this whole experiment has shown me how much I betray mySelf in exchange for perceived safety.
And I say perceived because my intention is never in those moments to mislead anyone but rather to keep them happy with me and feeling cared about (so that I then am safe from their anger… ooph. Hello aha moments!). But as I have flexed my integrity muscle I’ve found that while sometimes slightly more uncomfortable, no one has been so upset with me that I was no longer safe.
I wonder where little Becka learned this. There’s some part of me inside that I’m sure is very young that learned that it was better to just go with the flow and not rock the boat, to hide herSelf away to keep everyone else happy. She learned that anger from humans is a life or death thing and that the most important thing she could do to stay alive was to appease every other human in her vicinity at all times. And I have so much love and compassion for her. How exhausted she must be! But with that same love and compassion I can tell her that she can stand down. Thank you for your service, sweet girl, but you are relieved of duty. Let me take it from here.
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