The Etymology of Feelings
What Anger, Guilt, Shame, Anxiety, Depression + Disassociation Have in Common.
You know how we can break a word apart into its pieces to get a better understanding of its meaning? I have this theory that you can do the same with feelings that cause us suffering. It struck me as I was about a year into my candidacy in the RRT Speciality program during a session with my mentor. He was breaking down a concept I was struggling to wrap my mind around and I remember having this lightbulb moment that was so intense I interrupted him and asked… “So wait… can we, in one way or another, trace all of this back to fear?!”
“Yes.” He replied.
When I started truly understanding RRT (Rapid Resolution Therapy) and looking at our nervous systems through this perspective, I started to notice how, just like most our English words have roots in Latin, pretty much all of the feelings we experience negatively have their roots in fear.
(I completely break it down and show you how fear, anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, depression, and even disassociation can be broken down to get more clarity and even turn the volume down on those sensations that are not much fun to be experiencing in episode 7 of What Now Radio but I wanted to write it out for you here as well.)
Before we go on, I want to say that I’m *not* saying this is absolute truth. What I am saying is that this is a way of looking at something and that when we can agree to look at it this way, it opens up our understanding of how we can shift things.
Think of it like a game of chess.
You already know how to do this, how to decide along with someone to look at something in a certain way together. For example, chess and checkers are played on the same board. We put pieces on the little squares and the only reason the games (and all the strategies thereof) exist is because we collectively agree to look at the pieces and the board and “rules” a certain way.
We agree that the “king” piece can only move one square at a time in any direction whereas a “pawn” can only move one space forward unless it’s a first move for that pawn then it can go two. “Knights” move in an L shape across the board. But checkers pieces all work the same. Until we crown them then they can go forward and backwards. Oh and they can jump.
Imagine explaining all of this to an alien. They’d pick up a piece with bewilderment and move it whatever way they want and say, “That’s not true it can move all these ways!” Yes, we’d say, but for the sake of the game and the ability to use these strategies we are going to agree to look at it this certain way, with these certain rules.
So that’s what we’re going to do here. We are going to look at feelings a certain way. And when we do, it’s going to open up a whole new world of strategies for us in how we can move them and create changes. Cool right?
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What are feelings?
Feelings are the only way our nervous system can get a message through to us. They are just information shared from our body to our mind and back again. Mind is in charge of keeping us and our offspring alive. But how does Mind get you to get up out of your comfy seat and walk all the way to the kitchen to find a cup and fill it up and take a drink? It can’t attempt to persuade you with words. It can’t actually yell at you. It can’t turn the TV off till you do it. So it makes you feel sooooo thirsty.
We experience thirst as a negative feeling. One that is uncomfortable and we like to stay in comfort so it motivates us to take an action to make the discomfort stop. So feelings are the way our nervous system gets us to take an action that benefits our survival. It’s as simple as that.
So nervous systems protects us by making us feel an uncomfortable feeling in an effort to increase our chances of survival. But for nervous system to even come online, there has to be a threat to our survival. Or, more commonly, a perceived threat. You see where I’m going with this?
Nervous system is either on or off. There’s no in between with it. It manifests in a few different ways, I’m sure you’ve heard of them, such as fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. But those responses only exist because there was something that was perceived by mind as a threat. So the system mobilizes-
So any time nervous system is activated, fear is present at the root. The nervous system doesn’t kick online without that.
Through this understanding we are going to look at the way these feelings of discomfort build and grow in intensity.
🕯️ Fear-
Nervous system perceives a threat, the system (called “sympathetic”) then mobilizes the body to escape the perceived threat by running away (or perhaps fighting but we’ll get to that with anger next). This means energy and resources are re-allocated from various parts of the body and sent to systems that would benefit a fight or escape, namely legs. Digestion slows, cognitive creativity declines and everything is focused on running fast. It’s a very old, very primal system. But it has kept us alive as a species for eons so it’s still running. Even though our threats now are more nuanced. We aren’t necessarily being chased across an open plain by a lion anymore. Instead we are getting a ding of a notification on our phone from someone. And this is where all the trouble begins. In our modern world, there are not many times when it is appropriate to physically run away or to bite the person that mind is interpreting as a threat to us. So all that energy has no where to go.
🕯️Anger-
The first level of response is fear which mobilizes a flight response. If fleeing isn’t an option then fighting the threat becomes the next best thing. Anger is the feeling we use to explain that sensation. It is fear + more power sent to the eyes and jaw to destroy the threat not just run from it. Energy is sent to our face, vision narrows, focus narrows, and strength is sent to the jaw. We stop cataloging details outside of the thing we feel the urge to attack. We see this really well in a threatened dog. They are snarling, their jaw is set, teeth bared, eyes focused. You can be tossing their favorite toy to the side to try to discharge things and they don’t even register it. Mind is rerouting all that energy and focus for one purpose: BITE. But even though we are animals as well, the evolution of our brains and lives has made it so it’s rarely appropriate or beneficial to bite a threat. (Even if it does feel like that would be the easier and more satisfying solution sometimes!)
🕯️Guilt-
When looking at our feelings through this lens we can see how everything builds as the energy of our sympathetic nervous system has no where appropriate to vent. Through this perspective, what we experience as guilt can be explained as fear + the imaginary concept that things should have happened differently, or we should have done something or not done something differently. When we look at things extremely logically and scientifically we can see that “should” doesn’t actually exist. Things always happen the way they will happen based on the elements at play in that moment and the elements that led to that moment. The variables. Should is mind misreading the information and thinking that the past is still happening right now. Just like you can’t put on different pants this morning when it’s mid-afternoon, you can’t change how events unfolded. Fear + “should” = guilt.
🕯️Shame-
What happens when we take guilt and add what we’ll call “moralistic thinking”? We get what we describe as feelings of shame. Shame = fear + “should” + the added threat of disconnection and unworthiness that was programmed into us as kids with moralistic thinking (and the only purpose of moralistic thinking is to control). Moralistic thinking is not a natural state. It’s one created to assert control. If you are taught that goodness = safety, then anything that is defined as not “good” = a threat to your nervous system. Because our minds primary job is to keep us safe, it will avoid those threats. That avoidance keeps behavior in line with what the people using moralistic thinking to control are wanting. (This is extremely common in cults and high control religions but even the puritanical history of America perpetuates moralistic thinking to this day as a means of controlling the population.) Shame is the threat of disconnection and unworthiness created as an opposite to obeying the moralistic thought. And it’s a serious threat to us as humans since we survive best in villages. The threat of being isolated and alone from our support system is a very real, very scary one to our nervous systems. Shame is a very smart way to manipulate that system to one’s benefit, unfortunately.
🕯️Anxiety-
Okay… stay with me here. As someone who has family members with chemical imbalances, I am not saying that the science of our brain chemistry is incorrect. Remember we are looking from a different angle, through a different perspective with this. And when we do, we are able to see strategies that don’t exist outside of this way of looking at it. Just like chess. All the strategies for winning chess fall flat in a game of checkers even though it uses the same board. So how do we deal with anxiety? Anxiety can be explained as the response of a nervous system and body to the prolonged sensations of fear. Anxiety then becomes like an anticipatory fear and the perceived threat is just any activation of the nervous system at all. It’s the fear of feeling the sensations of fear. (“What’s wrong with me?! Why am I feeling like this?! Why is my heart racing? What’s going to happen?! Where’s the threat coming from!?) The fear of the sensations of fear in our body (elevated heart rate, tension in the jaw and shoulders, jittery legs, breathing faster, inability to think of anything outside the threat, can’t relax) especially in our modern life where the ability to lessen those sensations by fighting or fleeing is not usually an available option, leads to more fear. And then it becomes a loop we get stuck in. Anxiety is a very understandable body response to us having a very primal nervous system in a modern world. And I love looking at it this way because it helps remind me that my body is never actually working against me. It is ALWAYS working for me. When anxiety is being experienced, it’s because there is some miscommunications happening about my safety. And when something as all consuming feeling as anxiety can be is lightened to a simple data misread, we can clear those up pretty easily! When we look through this lens, anxiety becomes something much lighter to deal with than when we look at it through other perspectives and is much more easily shifted.
🕯️Depression -
Continuing in this perspective, what happens when our brilliant mind and hardworking nervous system are working overtime to keep us safe but the threat isn’t going away and we have no options to fight or flee? Freeze and fawn become our best chance. But what if we are stuck in freeze or fawn for too long? Our body is on our side, remember? That is pivotal to remember in this perspective. It is trying so hard to keep us from harm. If it cannot remove us from the threat, if it cannot fight off the threat, and if its only option is to endure but the perceived threat continues consistently, our mind resorts to numbing us out. This is a strictly defensive move when no other options are available. “If you have to be here”, mind thinks, “I can at least help it to hurt less.”
🕯️Disassociation-
Through this perspective, disassociation is the end of the line. It is an extreme defensive move when nothing else is working or available. If nervous system can’t protect us from the threat and it perceives that something traumatic is imminent, it can at least help us not to feel it or remember it. Mind separates us from the experience of being in our bodies. It’s like mind closes the blinds of viewing our life and puts noise cancelling headphones on us so we can’t hear what’s happening. Let’s pause for a moment to allow this to sink in. What a beautifully crafted system this is. Sure, we get a little frustrated sometimes by how old the operating system is but damn if it’s not genius at taking care of us. To sever our somatic experience is no small thing. This is the nervous system’s last stand. A last ditch effort to keep us from pain when escape is impossible. 💔
I have watched people cleared of years of anxiety, guilt, and shame in minutes in an RRT session as I’ve apprenticed. This perspective is powerful and when we build this framework and language around the things we experience deep inside that are beyond language, we give ourselves the ability to shift things.
I find it compelling and beautiful for lots of reasons but perhaps one of the biggest is my own history. Growing up in a high control religion, fear, shame, and the belief that my body was bad were all programmed into me. Moralistic thinking turned into threats of eternal suffering if I didn’t fall in line. The deep relief that settled into me when I adopted this perspective of my body being always on my team (even if I didn’t understand it’s methods in the moment) was healing in and of itself. Reclaiming the idea that my body is working correctly (maybe too good sometimes, ha) in its attempts to protect me helped me to stop fighting my reactions and to instead come together with them to get to the bottom of things. Shifts and healing happened so much faster that way than in any other therapy, coaching modality, or spiritual practice I’d ever tried.
I carried shame around like a lead vest. It was so intense that it would affect me socially, making me feel so ashamed of being perceived if I had not done something that I thought I was supposed to do that I would just become like a hermit and refuse to leave my bedroom. Full shut down. My nervous system would jump all the way to depression thinking I couldn’t outrun the shame. Of course no one in my life now was thinking any of those negative things but old programming runs deep. Working with Jon (my mentor, my teacher, and the creator of RRT) in 1 session that lasted less than 30 minutes and I could not longer access the feelings of shame that I had carried with me for 30 years.
This is why I’m so passionate about this modality, why I’m training to be one of less than 50 certified specialists trained by Jon himself worldwide to be able to carry on this work. In the sessions I’ve already been able to do with people it has been remarkable to see what we can shift and clear painlessly and pretty quickly. Even being trained in this modality and understanding how it works, watching it work in real time still feels a bit like magic sometimes. And that’s why I consider myself training in a healing art, not just a philosophical modality. I truly consider myself an artist of language and the subconscious as I train in all this. As one of the only people using RRT with a focus specifically on reclamation for people who grew up in high control communities, my lived experience and intuition play a big role in my work. One I don’t take lightly and want to do a phenomenal job of getting really really good at wielding.
I hope this perspective cracked a bit of light into things for you. If you like it and want to talk about it more, reach out or leave a comment. If you want to work with me on clearing some of those feelings that are not serving you I’d be honored. I also have some guided audios I’ll be releasing soon if you’re more of a self paced introvert. I have been working for the last almost 2 years to complete my candidacy with Jon and I’m allllllmost done. I’ve been taking on some student sessions but I will be opening my official RRT business soon.
I’ve been working for the last two weeks nonstop on getting my website ready to launch this new business and getting all the resources I’ve already created in the past organized and added in! (Like the workshop I did with Birdee, my Tarot for Reclamation masterclass, and the audio apothecary guided audios that are infused with RRT and other mimetic modalities I’ve been training in to help you in the moment to soothe your nervous system and even cause shifts to any stucknesses you’re experiencing, and a really expansive free resources library.)
Which feeling that I shared about was the biggest aha for you in this perspective? I’m curious to know. Does any of this lighten the heaviness? Do you feel more hopeful that you can relieve this suffering? What confuses you that I can shed more light on?
In your corner, B