I'm The Happiest I've Ever Been
And I Have Nothing To Sell You About How I Did it.
I’ve procrastinated writing this because I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to get all of the things into any sort of succinct structure that makes sense as you read it but that also doesn’t leave out essential periphery and all the details that contributed to the magic.
Sigh.
And that is probably the problem. We know this: that witnessing something full of wonder, something awe-inspiring, like standing at the edge of a cliff and feeling all at once peaceful and terrifyingly transcendent as both part of something huge and insignificantly tiny is hard to put into words or capture in a photo. (How many times have I stared slack-jawed and broken-necked at the moon only to whip out my phone in an attempt to share my wonder with someone I love and realizing there’s no way to get what I’m experiencing first hand to translate. The Moon, she refuses to be captured by something as reductive as an iPhone.)
Perhaps the story will need to unfurl like a rose, rise like a sourdough loaf.
That is to say, maybe it just can’t be done in a day.
The ending though is this: I’m the happiest, most content, most comfortable in my skin, most filled with gratitude I’ve ever been in my adult life.
And… I have nothing to sell you on how I did it.
No course. No training. No mastermind. Nothing. Which… is new for me. I even turned off subscription privileges here on Substack. Everything here is an offering, your paid subscription is our exchange when you feel ready for that. More on that at the bottom.
And before you think that life has just carried me along as I became endlessly happier and happier, let me make it clear that while all those things I stated above are true, it is also true that I am in the most unknown financial place, unclear career moment, and on the other side of one of the most intense melting-goop-of-liminality-in-a-chrysalis experiences of my life.
Choosing to let go of life as I knew it and release into the melting was terrifying and I’m only just emerging with gooey, crumpled wings. Sitting very very still on a branch waiting for my wings to dry before I even attempt to try them out.
Here’s some things that happened…
I finished my RRT training and 250+ hours as a Specialist and am waiting to test to become one of less than 25 Certified RRT Specialists worldwide (I’m afraid I’ll fail)
I walked away from the opportunity to be on the groundfloor of a new company
My partnership with BODi (that was a huge part of my identity and income for the last decade) ended.
I didn’t pivot, I just…. was.
I turned 40 and celebrated with a sacred cacao ceremony with my closest humans.
I stopped dying my hair, and then I cut most of it off.
I started learning the craft of writing, and practicing, and decided 2025 was the year I begin my journey to being a published author.
I stopped creating content.
I stopped consuming content.
I deconstructed my identity as tied to capitalism.
I read a ton of books (both literary and spicy).
I drank cacao intentionally almost every day.
I built a meditation practice.
I opted out of the male gaze.
I opted out of capitalism’s gaze.
And here we are.
As January comes to an end and we inch close to the time known as Imbolc1, the historical celebration of the midway point between winter solstice and the spring equinox, I am feeling myself emerging from the metaphorical snow. The hibernation. The cocoon. I feel myself wanting to stretch out, to connect, to welcome newness and to lean into hope. In my Reclamation journey I have reached the chapter where I find myself having put down the sword and picked up some tools ready to offer what I can to the community we have been and are continuing to build.2
I have no idea what this transition year of my life will bring. But I feel really excited by it’s open-endedness. I have no idea the how. But I know that I know that I’m going to be okay. And I want to let you borrow that knowing of okay-ness in case you haven’t been feeling that.
There’s a quote I found that has become a pillar for me as I reopen the doors to sharing myself online. It’s by the 13th century poet, Hafez, who writes so many beautiful sentiments that resonate deeply with me. This one in particular says,
“Troubled? Then stay with me for I am not.”3
Talk soon, B
PS. I have been removing myself from social media as much as possible so if you want to connect with me I invite you to join me here in this Substack space. I share Notes with favorite things I’ve read or thoughts or photos from my days instead of sharing those on Instagram like I would have in the past. I want to focus my conversations online here. You can join substack just to read and follow, you don’t have to want to blog. I’ve found this space to be much less toxic and I welcome you to join me here.
PPS. I could not for the life of me decide on any sort of posting schedule or payment structure here that felt right in my bones. I want any contributions I make to feel like something I am choosing to offer outward instead of as a flare gun trying to get the attention of strangers so that I can pay my mortgage. I know that’s risky. But it’s where I’m at as an artist and healer. So… as of now this Substack is being presented for free as an offering. You can become a paid subscriber for $5/month if you want to have that energetic exchange because something here is valuable to you, or you want to support my work and the time and energetic management it takes to continue showing up and sharing vulnerably online. At some point I have an inkling that I will offer something as a founding member option to help us move deeper into community for those that want it but for now, please enjoy my posts, newsletters, and updates without a paywall. And at any time if you feel like becoming a supporter of this Substack I would be ever so grateful and you can change your subscription preferences here:
If you cannot be a paid subscriber but you want to energetically exchange with me, please subscribe, like these posts, send one to a friend, and share your favorite bits on your social media. Thank you for your time and your presence here.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imbolc
This concept quoted, “putting down the sword and picking up a tool” credited to who I first heard it from, Lizzie Tilia on instagram
From the poem, “TROUBLED” by Hafez - https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/11021099-troubled-troubled-then-stay-with-me-for-i-m-not-lonely
Beautiful! Happy that you’re so happy! ❤️
I opened comments to all so you can leave me your thoughts, remarks, stories, etc right here! ☕️💕